They say to write what you know, well I used to know a lot, then I had kids.
I imagine my kids sneaking into my room at night, sucking the life force out of me, resembling something out of Star Trek, that would explain why I wake in the mornings sometimes, more tired than when I went to bed.
Some people, I know for a fact they do, think the life of a stay at home mum (SAHM) is one of chocolates, watching daytime tv, lounging around whilst everything around them magically gets done around them . A job which consists of stepping out with beautifully attired, well behaved children on outings like ‘soft play’, park, ‘play dates’. Making home made cookies and painting their hands into pretty designs, meanwhile Pinning everything on Pinterest you think looks like fun for the family and actually doing it.
Now for some lucky sods, and my god I wish I was one of them, this is true. For most, me included, this is the life of a stay at home mum.
- Shove on the nearest item of clothing, not really caring how you look because the fact you had two hours sleep means no amount of make up will cover you up.
-Get kids breakfast and remind yourself you really should put something underneath the twins when they eat, then promptly forget.
-Get twins dressed, wonder why you are so talented at picking out stylish outfits and why their father usually makes them look like items of fruit, or extras from Dr Seuss.
-Say goodbye to older kids, sit down for that glorious cup of coffee, forget to drink coffee as children are using you as a climbing frame.
-Decide to start the house work, go to the kids bedrooms, try and open the teenagers door, try and open the teenagers door……..TRY AND OPEN THE TEENAGERS DOOR!
-Open teenagers door, quickly shut the door and only return when armed.
-Clean the bathroom, cry inwardly that you have four willies in this house and know for a long time, you will always find wee on the floor.
-Make the beds, run downstairs because the boys are quiet.
-Find the pantry door broken into, flour everywhere, children thinking they are playing in the snow. Feel relieved that it wasn’t eggs.
-Clean mess up, barricade draw, re dress boys, kit them out with CBeebies, toys, drink and a biscuit, judge you have probably 15 mins left of cleaning upstairs before new mayhem.
-Decide the only way to do teenagers room,bin bag,spray, dump everything in the wrong place and on the floor, on their bed and threaten,bribe and cajole when they get back from school.
-Put things back in your room that you found in teenagers room, return films, DVDs and clothes and question the amount of chocolate wrappers
.-Go through piles of laundry which somehow over night has re filled. You are beginning to think you may install a camera somewhere because you think there is an extra person living in your house, specifically filling up your washing basket.
-Sneak a look at the boys, they’re amused, creep out of the room, if you are spotted, it’s to late.
-Actually drink a cup of coffee.
-Do the breakfast dishes, and seriously toy with the idea of paper plates.
-Make lunch whilst being abused by two boys who really don’t think you are making their sandwiches fast enough, watch as apparently their sandwiches aren’t good enough as one of them promptly throws it on the floor.
-Clean up, make your own lunch which is exactly the same as the boys, and watch as they hover round you, wanting to eat yours, but not theirs????
-Clean up, clean up,clean up
-Do more washing, pull one lot into shape, put one in dryer and put another on, look for the clothes you just folded, find twin boys running around with bras on their heads, throwing knickers.
-Fold it all over again.
-Eldest home, pantry is soon emptied, this time for snacks and drinks. Questions of ‘what’s for dinner?’ replies of, read the menu on the fridge’, groans of,’ Errr, won’t eat it’, replies of,’then go hungry’, moans of ‘whatever, not bothered’.
-Count the minutes till wine o clock.
-’Middle child home, pantry raided again, repeats of whats for dinner. Think about getting a dictophone so kids can play it back, save me having to repeat myself.
-Start making dinner, trust the teenager will keep an eye on the boys, put headphones on, listen to music, sing badly and be safe in the knowledge, if they are arguing, you can’t hear.
-Husband home, kids act well behaved, nice, polite, kisses and cuddles and jokes????!!!!!!
-Serve dinner, quiet to some degree as food stops them from talking, bliss.
-’Not hungry’,’ finish your dinner’, ‘no you may not be excused’,’ elbows’, ‘close your mouth when you’re eating’,’ don’t talk with your mouthful’, ‘ use your fork’, ‘no I said you may not be excused till everyone is finished’, ‘food does not look good in your hair’.
Well that quiet was short lived.
-Clean up, wonder how the hell food ended up on the other side of the room, wish your kids were French, because apparently they are better behaved, wish you were French because apparently they’re more glamorous.
Wonder if Angelina Jolie would adopt your kids if you could have monthly visiting rights.
-Milk, bath, story,bed…………..
-Tidy up toys,put things away, look at the time 8.30pm
-Teenager Skyping,Facebooking and texting all at the same time.
-Wine O’clock, 8.30 pm
-Mumble conversation to husband, all life has drained from you, surprisingly he understands what you are saying.
-10.00pm fall asleep.
I love my kids, but by God, I love their bedtime.